The Parting Glass
by Anake14
Summary: He never said if, always when. He was so sure, so certain he could destroy the best of whatever happened to him…he would die to keep it. It would kill him, destroy him from within, once he finally managed to ruin the best of what he had. Spock/Kirk, mentions of past Spock/Uhura, SpockPrime/JimPrime and various others.
1. Chapter 1

The Parting Glass

Summary: He never said if, always when. He was so sure, so certain he could destroy the best of whatever happened to him…he would die to keep it. It would kill him, destroy him from within, once he finally managed to ruin the best of what he had. Spock/Kirk, mentions of past Spock/Uhura, SpockPrime/JimPrime and various others.

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any recognizable characters.

Chapter1: None but Me

" _Please, just leave it alone," he begged._

" _I cannot, Captain."_

" _Look," he sighed, running his fingers through his hair, "You…you're everything. Everything I want, need, you are something I cannot allow myself to hope for, more than that, you are already in a relationship and I will not take that from you, I will not destroy that. If we…if I ever let myself, if you tell me I can have you, I would take all that you would be willing to give and I know that I would destroy us. Whatever connotation of us that would be and I would die. It would kill me to ruin whatever we choose to have because you and I are so connected that I feel as though you are what I am missing. You have what I do not and I need that."_

" _I do not understand."_

" _You and I have potential. We can be something great, but only if we let ourselves be all that we are meant to and right now that is not together. When I ruin us…you will_ _ **hate**_ _me with all that you are and when that happens…there will be no going back."_

" _You are willing to do many things but not take a risk for our future?"_

" _Those things are little things to me. They save people who deserve a chance."_

" _You do not?"_

" _I cannot let myself hope."_

"He always said when…" the horrified whisper came out partially broken.

"He's not waking up," Bones muttered. "Whatever this is it is of his own volition. There's nothing I can do."

"What do you mean he always said when?"

"From the beginning before we ever decided to be involved, before we were ever even friends, he would tell me that _when_ he destroyed us, ruined us, that it would kill him. He said it would be his fault and I would _hate_ him. He never said _if_ , always _when_. He is killing himself."

A/N: Don't kill me! I have a reason! Really! …well, no, not a good one at least. I love Star Trek, Stargate, and Star Wars. This multi-chapter idea has been flying around in my mind since I watched the movies and I've had writers block so the other stories are slow going…but there is progress so I'll probably have a chapter or two out for A Thousand Reasons and I Saw The End Before It Began in a week or two depending on how much free time I get between my new classes. Opinions are always welcome!


	2. Chapter 2

The Parting Glass

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any recognizable characters.

Chapter 2: Good Company

 _Jim stared at the familiar stranger on the screen. Old Spock, Spock Prime,_ _ **Selek**_ _, was truly the only one he could speak to about any of this. Not because he had met him and been called 'old friend' but rather because he knew his younger self best._

" _I just don't know what he wants from me. I get that you believe he and I can have this epic, life-defining friendship, but I just…" he let the words hang in the air, not quite sure how to air the hesitation._

 _Selek leaned back in his own chair, staring at Jim with what had to be a contemplative expression. "I do understand, Jim. Yours is not a relationship like what my Jim and I had, you two do not possess the years we spent cultivating a friendship before being given command either. Your crew is young yet, you are all still discovering what it means to be who you are and what your place will be in each other's lives. It is understandable that you yourself hesitate as this represents a permanence you are not familiar with due to the many changes in the timeline."_

 _Jim nodded in agreement._

" _In truth, your entire flagship is too young and inexperienced. Knowing you are the best in your fields and not having faced challenges or hardships many face in order to be elevated to your ranks puts your crew at a disadvantage. There is the advantage that you will always be underestimated until you develop a reputation, but the disadvantages are many. You will not have the experiences needed to grow, you will not understand the necessity in mercy or humility, and it will give the ship an arrogance that could prove itself dangerous."_

 _Jim sighed and rubbed his forehead. "I know, Selek. I have had those thoughts, this is my crew, damn it and I want us to succeed. I want what you had, but things are so different I don't see a way for that to happen. Spock wants to try to build that friendship, but all I know is if I let him and at some point it is successful I'll be the one to fuck it up. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me, I can rely on them to some extent…"_

"… _but if any of them should leave or prove untrustworthy it will cause you harm," Selek finished. "I will simply say that your trust issues are not unfounded, but nor should they stop you from developing trust with this crew on your own. You will have many years together and it takes a great deal of time to build trust. From what I have found, there is no universe in which Spock and Jim did not have significant influence over one another's life, even as enemies there has always been a history between the two. In my lifetime, our relationship was defined as t'hy'la, in this universe that may not be the case."_

" _T'hy'la," Jim repeated, testing the word. It felt right. It was defining and frightened him all the more that the word could be such without his even knowing the meaning._

 _Selek's lips twitched into a small smile. "Jim, as I have told both you and my counterpart, this life is yours to choose what to do with. I cannot reveal to you what may be on the off chance something may happen and the future is your own to determine. The only advice I can give you is what I gave my younger counterpart and that is to do what feels right."_

" _What if I screw everything up?" Jim asked, his voice hesitant and uncertain._

" _Then, old friend, I believe it best to tell you that I have been and always shall be your friend. However you have need of me, you need only ask," Selek answered, his entire being seeming to radiate serenity. "Though I am old and it is not my place to be beside you, I feel it appropriate to inform you that your birth among the stars in this universe was appropriate. I cannot imagine a life where being among the stars has no part in it."_

 _Jim beamed. "Thank you, Selek."_

 _Lifting his hand in the traditional ta'al, Selek said, "Live long and prosper," before the connection cut out._

 _Selek had been careful when answering Jim. That he thought he could 'screw everything up' was most concerning. More so if Selek allowed himself to ponder the repercussions of what could happen if things ever fell apart._

Selek sat at Jim's bedside wondering how things could have spiraled so quickly that this could be Jim's only answer. He had promised whatever need Jim had of him, he would be there but never had he imagined something like this.

"What have you done to yourself, old friend," he murmured. Jim was too pale, too thin…it was almost a miracle he had even made it to this point.

"Mr. Spock."

Selek turned to see Spock in the doorway. He tilted his head in greeting. "Mr. Spock."

Looking at his younger counterpart it was obvious he was not doing well either. "Did you know Jim to be capable of this?"

The question was not unexpected. Selek glanced over his counterpart once more before returning his gaze to Jim. "It would be a lie if I said I did not know. I have found Jim to be very capable at doing anything he puts his mind to and in this case what he is doing to himself would be more surprising if not for the circumstances."

Spock's eyes flashed with rage. "How could you know…"

Selek put his hand up in a motion to silence his younger counterpart. "I did not know. However, I began to suspect. He has been agitated in his latest video calls and the circumstances themselves were undesirable as well. He asked questions of me, but none that would specifically lead me to believe this was the course of action he planned to take. You know as well as I that he is in this state because of you. His warning should not have been taken lightly, young one."

"What would you know of his warnings?" Spock snarled.

Selek's eyes glinted in dark amusement. "You mean you do not know? The crew and you only have yourselves to blame for the condition of the Captain, one whom you ignored, who asked so little, who had finally given in to the desire to trust, only to find himself drifting and alone. He once called me, spoke to me of your conversation regarding friendship. He did not need to tell me of his hesitance and I did not ask. His life was not so privileged as he would have you all believe and what his life was damaged him in ways none of us could know. You have all let him down in your arrogance and judgment and his response is to force his body into shutting down, killing himself because he thinks it will be to the benefit of the crew and none of us can change that opinion."

Selek's words shattered something in not only Spock, but the rest of the bridge crew who had shown up at some point in their conversation.

"You could," McCoy stated boldly.

Selek tilted his head in the direction of the good doctor, taking stock of the bridge crew, before shaking his head. "I have vowed never to interfere; to do no more or less than Jim asked of me. Even if I could change his opinion and have him return, to what purpose would that serve? His choices must be his own and if he has chosen it is his time it is not my right to change that. He never told me much, but from what I inferred it was his greatest fear that the crew would turn on him, not trust him and throw him away. That fear and many other factors have brought us to this point."

Dr. McCoy snorted. "To think the kid thinks you care about him."

Selek narrowed his eyes before turning back to Jim and letting his fingertips trail the length of the man's arm. "I do care doctor, more than any of you, for he is my t'hy'la in any life or universe and that bond is a most sacred and treasured one."

Someone, most likely Spock, inhaled sharply at the reprimand, but Selek kept speaking. "You must understand that unlike any of you I know a different Jim and though this one is not mine I know this choice would not have been made lightly. It is my care for him that allows me to be at peace with his decision. I wish for nothing but his happiness and in this case his peace. How can any one of us take this from him? How can you claim to care about him or feel anything if you are so willing to take away the meaning of what he does with no consideration to himself?"

A tear finally slipped down Selek's cheek as he finished speaking. It hurt more than they could ever know. This would be a second time his t'hy'la would die, but at least this time he was with him.

A/N: So I well and truly meant to write chapters for my other stories…things sort of happened that have caused me great emotional compromise and mental distress. This is what my recovering brain came up with instead. I still have to finish the chapters for I Saw The End Before It Began and A Thousand Reasons.


	3. Chapter 3

The Parting Glass

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any recognizable characters.

Chapter 3: All I've Done

" _Doesn't it bother you?" Jim asked, seemingly with no context whatsoever. Chekov really couldn't keep track of the way the Captain's mind worked. He may be a genius but Kirk is always thinking of something and Chekov often feels as if the conversations they have are not always the ones he thinks._

 _Chekov sighed. "Does what bother me Keptain?"_

 _Jim shrugged. "Being the youngest, being treated like a kid, being underestimated…"_

" _Sometimes," Chekov admitted. "I am wery qualified…"_

"… _but people refuse to see past your age," Jim finished. "I get it."_

 _Chekov realized that somehow, the Captain really did understand. He wasn't sure he wanted to know the circumstances of the Captain's own experience though, considering the dark look on his face._

 _Over the next few months Chekov would come to value these conversations with Jim. The understanding and aptitude the captain showed helped him expand his own boundaries. The captain forced him to think outside the box, made him hone his skills to a precision he hadn't realized could be necessary in the face of danger. More than that, as he watched the captain Chekov knew the captain was watching them._

 _The interactions of the bridge crew and the captain became more common and Kirk interacted with his crew more than any other captain would have. He was bringing them together, exploiting their weaknesses and strengths and showing them how to improve. The captain made sure that at least once a month they had an unofficial meeting for updates and discussions about the missions to work on what they could have done better or how they could have altered their situations._

 _The strangest thing was perhaps the captain's own inconsistencies. The groups changed, everyone worked with a different group and mingled outside their chosen fields in order to be a better-rounded crew. Somehow the captain was shaping them, but Chekov really wondered how they were shaping him. Every now and then the captain would have a shadowed look, each time Chekov couldn't help but wonder if he should speak to Jim and offer to listen. He never could have foreseen the ominous and overbearing shadow that would cloud the future in uncertainty._

As the others departed, Chekov moved to the side and remained in the room. He shuddered as he took in how utterly still the captain was and it hurt to reconcile the figure lying there with the energetic man their captain normally portrayed. Chekov idly wondered how well they truly knew the captain. They all had secrets, but somehow in the months of knowing the man all they truly knew was that he knew a little bit of everything, got bored easily, had a lovely pact with trouble and near-death experiences, and for all he called attention to himself, genuinely dislikes being in the limelight. Seeing how pale the man had become, how small he looked, Chekov would have thought the man younger than he knew the captain to be and it had not been more than a few days since the captain had bargained with the anomaly.

Bargained. That was a joke if there ever was one. The captain had sacrificed himself for the crew, sacrificed himself on the small chance that he might survive because they, whoever they were, were curious about him and took the crew hostage.

Chekov pulled himself from his musings and made his way to the captain's side, idly taking the seat next to Ambassador Spock.

The ambassador didn't say anything. It could be eerie, how well he knew the crew, but then again, Chekov supposed coming from an alternate future could afford the man some perks, even if the bridge crew was fundamentally different from the one he knew.

"I believe, if he were conscious, the captain would ask that you speak your mind," the ambassador commented, finally breaking the silence.

Chekov nodded, his eyes tracing the features of the captain once more. "Keptain…Jim, would take time to speak with me, calculations I would be puzzling on, challenging me, and getting me to interact more with the others..."

Ambassador Spock inclined his head, obviously intent on listening to Chekov because Jim couldn't, or if he was then he couldn't reply because of the coma.

"I can't help but wonder if he was in some way preparing us," Chekov finished.

Spock regarded the young Chekov thoughtfully. "The Jim Kirk I knew was many things. Among them he could be stubborn, resourceful, unpredictable, and had an uncanny ability to know what the crew needed before we ourselves chose to be aware. While this James Kirk is not the one I knew, he is remarkably similar in many aspects, including the belief that there is no such thing as a no win scenario."

"What was it all for then? The meetings, the group interactions, the challenges?"

"Perhaps," Spock commented, "he merely wished to keep you from limiting yourselves. Normal crews interact very rarely among the different tracks, they are more inclined to spend time discussing matters with those in their own field and build those relationships. In finding common interests and forcing you out of your comfort zones he gave you a bridge to each other outside of stress built relations from a single defining moment. He gave the crew the foundations to build relationships and friendships that can last a lifetime rather than just based on the interactions during a term assignment."

Chekov shook his head. "I want to believe that. I really, really do, but the captain was always watching, sometimes he kept his distance from us and I couldn't help but wonder why. Even when we had our conversations I held back asking certain questions…"

"…and now you find yourself wondering 'what if' or perhaps even if asking those questions would give you an answer that would help you understand the situation as it is now," Spock finished.

It wasn't a thought Chekov had even considered, but the truth of it hit close to home. "I just…I should have asked. I should have asked…" Chekov choked out, tears falling and his hands shaking in his lap.

He had so many questions. Why him? Why the crew? Why did Jim choose to take on everything alone? Why couldn't he share his burden? Why, why, why?

"Perhaps, there is something you and the others have not considered," the ambassador remarked softly, causing Chekov to look at him questioningly, eyes red and vision blurry from the steady stream of tears that were falling. "Jim is not without reason. Everything he does has a purpose, every action, whether we understand it or not, is with the intention of something in mind. He likes to have plans just in case. Following that line of thinking, perhaps he felt the crew would be better prepared for anything they might face if they all had a little knowledge of everything in order to increase your chances of survival. That is the most logical explanation I can come up with."

"But the Keptain is not logical," Chekov said softly, his lips twitching into the faintest of smiles.

Ambassador Spock inclined his head in agreement. "He is not. James Kirk is a passionate man regardless of the universe, knowing that, or rather, knowing him that would mean the logical answer is an emotional one. This crew is perhaps the closest thing that this James Kirk would have to a family, his blood family long since broken in ways we cannot understand. Preparing the crew for any inevitability would therefore be the best way to protect you, even in the event of coming to terms with his own humanity. After all, is there anything you would not do for your family?"

Those words…Kahn had said much the same and Kirk had never denied it, after all, he had broken the Prime Directive to save Spock, he practically admitted he would have done the same for any of them.

Chekov supposed, really, that was all the answer he needed. "No…there is not."

A/N: Happy holidays, guys. I meant to get this out yesterday…but things happened…let's just say my dislike for holidays with my own family is well founded and leave it at that. All things considered, it was a pretty good holiday, I hope you guys are all enjoying yourselves in some way as well. This upcoming year I'm going to be super busy, so updates will be sporadic at best, please bear with me.


	4. Chapter 4

The Parting Glass

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any recognizable characters.

Chapter 4: For Want of Wit

" _Jim," Leonard McCoy knew without a doubt his friend was doing this shit on purpose. Delaying the inevitable and all that, it's what the bloody infant was good at. People thought they knew what a difficult person was...well they had clearly never seen Jim in action. Man was a damned master of avoidance._

" _Bones," he returned, equally bland._

" _Jim," he sternly said his friend's name._

" _Bones," Jim petulantly and balefully glared at his friend._

 _Leonard sighed. "Jim. Talk to me. I'm your friend damn it. If you can't talk to me who are you going to talk to?"_

 _Jim shrugged. "Spock?"_

 _Leonard glared. "You'd really talk to the hobgoblin?"_

" _Well…not our Spock, but Ambassador Selek."_

 _Leonard rubbed his temples. "You do realize there is a high probability that because he is from an alternate time line, things are not the same and he may not be able to relate to you in the same manner, right kid?"_

 _Jim pouted. "I'd rather he know than anyone else. At least he won't judge me. Or pity me."_

 _Leonard nodded in understanding. "Look Jim, professionally…I'd advise against it because he seems unusually compromised by you. As your friend, I care about you and if you think talking to him is the best option then go for it."_

 _Jim grinned, squirming slightly before finally giving in to the urge to jump up and hug his friend. "Thanks, Bones," he whispered in his ear._

 _Maybe Leonard should have made him talk, but as Bones, Jim's best friend, that smile and the hug from his pseudo brother had him smiling too and that was worth it. "Whatever, kid. Just tell me when you talk to him so I can mark your progress," Leonard gruffly remarked with a light cuff to Jim's head._

 _Jim yelped playfully as he pulled back and ran out the door. "Thanks Bones," called out over his shoulder._

Leonard had always known Jim would do something like this. The damn kid couldn't see his own worth, let alone how much he actually means to the crew or his friends. He had taken this damn job, going out into the black, to stay near Jim in hopes of preventing precisely this.

Not that it had worked.

No the damn kid had to redefine the meaning of impossible. He had to go on away missions against protocol and directive, he had to be a leader who took the position literally and would not send those under his command to do something he would not do himself.

Jim made himself a target and with how often he ended up in sickbay, Leonard couldn't say he was surprised Jim was in this state now, but it was something he had frequently hoped against. Jim gave him back his life after the divorce and loss of his kid. Jim chose to befriend a cantankerous doctor whose surly mood had gotten him several nicknames in Starfleet Medical that he shouldn't be aware of just because the infant felt like it and couldn't seem to stop himself from gaining new allergies.

It was an ongoing problem. Jim was determined to see himself into an early grave, nearly dying at least once a month from something completely absurd, going to see 'Bones' who would do everything to keep him alive. It was a status quo that Leonard doubted they could maintain this time. The damn kid had forced his way into Leonard's life and now there was nothing he could do to save Jim in return. Nothing he knew of that could help his best friend other than a damn mind meld and the only two capable wouldn't do it.

He waiting until all the others had left before he pulled himself from his reports and went to sit by Jim's side himself. He gently took Jim's pulse from his wrist and timed it as he stared at the too pale face of his best friend.

"Damn it, Jim…I don't get it. This is just like when you found out you were going to be captain and decided you wanted the same damn crew. Uhura didn't even like you back then and I was certain the damn green-blooded hobgoblin would kill you the moment the two of you saw each other outside of the ship. Sometimes I feel like you don't know you're limits and other times you remind me that you know them all too well."

Leonard sighed. "You have no idea what you do for us, how much hope you give this crew, how much light you bring. Sometimes I'm inclined to agree with the Ambassador, your birth in the stars was fortuitous…even if it did make you allergic to damn near everything and send you into anaphylaxis more often than I care to see you in my damn sickbay. You brought this crew together…but the only thing we really have in common is you. You might be the most annoying little brother I've ever had and act like a damn infant half the time, but you're always genuine, if not in emotion than at the very least in your intentions. You have to get better Jim…I don't think this crew would survive your death and I honestly don't know that I'll survive without you."

Leonard got up and moved away from Jim, returning to his office. He couldn't go back to his rooms, he couldn't sleep anyway. At the door he paused, turned his head to look at Jim. "Get better, Jim. We need you and you've still got work to do."

He sighed as he took out the PADD and began going through files and researching once more, hoping to find an answer before it was too late.


	5. Chapter 5

The Parting Glass

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any recognizable characters.

Chapter 5: To Memory Now I Can't Recall

" _Uhura…Lieutenant, we need to talk," Jim said._

 _Uhura liked to think she was extremely logical, it was part of why she and Spock enjoyed debating and discussing things together. Jim was the opposite as far as she could tell. He was radical, wild, yet somehow he made things work when they shouldn't by any means. Not to say she had been avoiding Jim, they had just all been busy trying to get their stations in the ship in working order because Nero had done quite a bit of damage._

" _Does it have to be now, Captain?" she asked. Honestly, she was tired, she wanted to shower, eat, and go to bed, not necessarily in that order._

 _Jim sighed. "I wish it didn't have to be now either, but we really need to clear things up between us and I would much prefer we reach a mutual understanding in private than in public."_

 _She stared at him, judging his words and weighing the options. Logically, he was correct. She nodded her head. "Where?"_

" _The ready room."_

 _They walked in silence, every now and again Jim would be stopped by a crew member and talk for a few minutes about the ship status and what they were working on._

 _Once they made it to the ready room, Jim motioned for her to sit down as he took his own seat._

" _Uhura, Lieutenant," Jim started, "I respect you and I know your position on this ship is well earned, but we can't have what is on the bridge be nothing but a pretense between us. We got off on the wrong foot. Yes, we met when I was drunk in a bar in Iowa, but I really want the crew to work well together and I need for that not to be a point of contention between us. I'm not just some guy who sleeps around and I think you're getting to see that with how this mission went sideways."_

" _I…for a long time I thought that was who you were. Jim Kirk, James Tiberius Kirk, son of famed hero George Kirk, the guy who would party and sleep with any willing body," Uhura admitted. "Maybe this mission is opening my eyes, but I don't understand why you act juvenile so frequently when you are obviously capable of being the amazing leader that you've been showing the crew."_

 _Jim ran his fingers through his hair. "Iowa sucked," he said in a low voice. If he had to admit something to her to get her to understand, this was something he could admit. "It's not just being a Kirk, it was being George's son and everyone had all these expectations for me to be just like him and I hated that. I hated him and I never even knew the man."_

" _Pike…he brought up my father too. Dared me to be better," Jim snorted. "I joined just to see how much I could piss him off and prove that I'll never be like my old man."_

 _Uhura almost wanted to interrupt. This wasn't the cocky playboy speaking, this was a version of Jim she had never seen and it made him vulnerable. He was telling her something he didn't have to in order to help her understand. It was what she had wanted, just…not like this._

" _My mother…George's death destroyed something in her. I've been told about times she was happy, told she was a different person before she heard my father's last words of love. She could hardly stand to look at me and spent more time in space than anywhere else. She left me with…others…" he trailed a bit as he shook his head to clear away the memories. "When you're young, you don't understand things like that, not the heartbreak or the grief or the sorrow. You wonder what you did wrong and why you're so unlovable no one will stay. You want to feel loved even just for the night. I like sex, it's great, but the comfort of having someone near and feeling wanted by anyone after than sort of childhood? That makes it an indescribable feeling."_

" _I may have been tipsy when I met you, but I've never done anything to someone unwilling. Just because you looked like you could be fun and we could have a good time didn't mean I was going to take advantage. Gaila…Gaila could have told you as much if you had ever wanted to hear it," Jim swallowed hard. It was difficult to remember that in less than a day the majority of their graduating class, the teachers, all those experienced officers, could be gone so easily. "For what its worth I'm so sorry that she's gone, Uhura, I'm so, so damn sorry."_

 _Uhura hadn't had time to think on it, to focus on what it meant for so many of the ships to have been destroyed. She and the rest of the crew had been so busy staying busy they hadn't yet grieved and Jim's words hit her hard. Gaila was her best and closest female friend. They had talked about everything together and now she was seeing part of Jim that she knew Gaila had tried to tell her about, had tried to explain because Jim just didn't understand emotions and would distance himself from them no matter how emotional he acted._

" _I'm sorry too," Uhura said, tears forming and slipping silently down her cheeks as she thought about the friend she had lost._

 _She didn't know when, but Jim had gotten up and was kneeling in front of her now. She was crying in front of her captain and she really wanted to stop, but the overwhelming loss seemed to be hitting her all at once and she was sobbing as Jim pulled her into a hug and they both were guided to the floor just clinging to each other and reassuring that someone was there, that not everyone had died._

 _By the time they regained their bearings Jim smirked, but this time Uhura knew it wasn't a cocky smirk at all. "Does this mean we can try to be friends?"_

 _Uhura whacked Jim's shoulder with an open palm before smiling and leaving the ready room. Not before catching a glimpse of a true smile on Jim's own face._

"You're such an idiot, Jim," Uhura commented, sitting beside him in the medical bay. She knew the others were doing this in turns, but honestly she could barely bring herself to see him like this. He was so pale and still, unlike the way the man usually was and it was disconcerting on more than one level.

"I hate doing this," Uhura admitted to the unconscious man. "I hate coming to medical bay and seeing you like this, but you're always going off and heading towards danger and when you don't head towards it deliberately danger and trouble just seem to find you and then you have no idea what it does to us to see you like this. To watch you laying here in medbay feeling helpless because our captain and friend had to do something reckless without care to his own well being for one of our sakes. This time it wasn't just one of us but all of us and instead of following protocol you broke it. You for us and how are we supposed to feel about that?"

Uhura wanted to scream her frustration, to just grab Jim by the shoulders and shake him like it would wake him up so she could yell at him and tell him this wasn't okay. She wanted him to see that they weren't okay without their captain and friend, without their brother in this small family that they managed to create on the Enterprise that made it home away from home.

Uhura sighed, tracing patterns and rubbing circles on Jim's arm. "It wasn't supposed to be like this you know," her tone accusing, yet still teasing. "You were never supposed to make us a family. You were supposed to tease me and taunt me while I returned them in a friendly manner and we were supposed to just be okay. You were never supposed to mean this much to me. I was supposed to hate you for stealing Spock too, but I can't even do that because you didn't. Not really. You didn't steal him away, but you were drawn to each other and it hurt to see the two of you, but it was okay. I thought it was okay. I never knew you were struggling or fighting. I never knew you had doubts and were hurting. You could have talked to me. I wouldn't have told anyone. Then, then I find out you didn't even tell McCoy, and the only person you've been talking to is Spock, but not our Spock, you had to talk to alternate Spock. I didn't even know you kept contact with Selek and I'm the Communications Officer."

"You and your unknown number of skills frustrate me, Kirk. You make me want to hate you, hit you, or verbally tear into you…and then you go and do something like this," her words broke as she choked up and tried to hold back tears. "We're at a loss Kirk. None of us knows what's wrong or what's going on in that brain of yours. None of us know how to get you to come back to us. Back home to the Enterprise and us, your family. We're waiting for you to come back. We need you Kirk."

The silence stretched on and her tears fell silently. She had no way of knowing if Kirk had heard her at all the way doctors say some people in comas can. She couldn't recall when Kirk had begun to be more than a fellow Crewmember and slipped into an easy friendship of sarcasm and wit. She didn't know when she began to see him as a brother and for the life of her couldn't recall the moment she realized just how much he meant, not only to her but the others. All she knew was that Kirk needed to return to them, or the crew would really be lost.

A/N: I owe my readers a sincere apology. Anyone who's read some of my other stories knows I'm not a fan of holidays, they always go horribly, horribly wrong even when I feel like they are going well. What actually happened is better left unsaid, but I got better news after the holidays. I've started getting in some counseling practice shifts for my school and am taking a few courses, plus I'm getting CPR and FirstAid training so I'm really excited and a bit busy but I plan to update several chapters to A Thousand Reasons as soon as I edit them for continuity. Yes that was an issue, I may or may not have been really out of it when they were written and should have that fanfic complete before Valentine's.

For my readers of this story, I have another Star Trek idea but it's a crossover. I'm going to write the Preview here and if you could please drop a review and let me know what you think? Guest reviews are welcome as well.

Preview: A Wanderer's Lullaby

At four years old James Tiberius Kirk knew that his family was strange. He knew his mother could hardly look at him and his brother seemed to hate him. He knew his step-father and other relatives treated him strange as well. He was too young to recognize the pitying looks for what they were. Most importantly, James knew that he was missing something.

When he was five, things started to change.

His step father hit him for the first time.

His brother yelled that he hated him.

His mother returned to Starfleet to work a Deep Space mission that would keep her away for years.

Things were changing and all he knew was that no one wanted him. He stayed outside in the fields to avoid being near others. After all, if his family didn't want him, who would?

He looked up at the stars and blinked back tears. "I…I wish someone, anyone, would take me away from this place."

At five years old he had no way of knowing those words would change his life as the winds picked up, an owl screeched, and voices could be heard whispering amongst the grains in the field. He heard thunder crack against the sky and sat up as a figure appeared before him.

"Well, well, well, what have we here?"

Jim stared at the blond…man?...in fascination. "Who are you?"

"I am Jareth, the Goblin King, and who might you be young one?" the man asked.

"Jimmy."

"Well, now that won't do, what is your full name, Jimmy?"

"I'm not supposed to tell strangers."

"A stranger am I? I'm here to answer your call, to take you away from this place. The question, Jimmy, is why do you want to leave?"

"No one…no one wants me here."

The silence following was painful. Jimmy looking down at the ground with tears welling up in his eyes, but before he could start crying the gloved hand tilted his chin up as Jareth kneeled before him. "What if I said I wanted you Jimmy? Would you come to my kingdom of magic and learn from me? Would you come to my home where all the wished away and unwanted children make their home?"

"I could have a home?" James asked, so full of hope, he wondered how more people didn't know of such a place.

"More than just a home, Jimmy, you would be part of my family."

"Yes. Yes, I will go with you."

"What is your name?"

"I'm James Tiberius Kirk."


End file.
